What Do You Do? 30 Hypotheticals (One for Each Team): Western Conference Edition

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I am obsessed with hypothetical situations. I’m not going to make up some deep, thoughtful reasons I am writing this article other than that. I love hypotheticals, and I wanted to write a hypothetical situation for every team. This article is going to be all nonsense with no reward at the end. If you love hypotheticals, too, you should totally read it. If you don’t love hypotheticals, you should totally read it and fall in love with them.

For each hypothetical situation, you are GM or President for that given team. You are in the position to make all the decisions. You know how you can buy the team in NBA 2K MyGM mode and be 100% in charge? That’s you. You bought the team, and you decided to stay the GM afterward.

I’m going to rattle off a situation. You are in charge. What do you do?

Utah

Turns out you were right! Mormonism is true! Congrats to Utah. There’s only one problem. Joseph Smith has come back again, and he wants everyone to know God most definitely hates basketball. It didn’t come up before because basketball didn’t exist yet, but God wants you to know basketball is evil.

Just as you are about to sell the franchise and make amends with God, Satan comes and tells you he can make all your title dreams come true. And guess what? He’d make you so awesome at basketball, YOU would be the star. Can you imagine? It would be like your MyPlayer come to life!

What do you do?

L.A. Lakers

Adam Silver issues a statement saying the NBA’s decision to veto the Chris Paul trade was wrong and, in fact, they’re reversing it! Chris Paul is now a Laker. The Rockets get Pau Gasol. The Pelicans get Kevin Martin, Scola, Odom, Dragic and whoever Houston picked with the Knicks’ 2012 first round pick (it was Royce White!). The Clippers have to take back Gordon, Kaman, Aminu and the first round pick that became Austin Rivers.

Now that you have a Chris Paul and Kobe Byrant as your corner stones, it’s up to you to build the rest of your shitty roster into a contender.

What do you do?

Sacramento

You are being blackmailed. Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson comes to you, saying he has the fate of the franchise in his hands. Remember how he saved the Kings from moving? Well, now he’s going to work to have them shipped the fuck out of Sac-town. He has the ear of the NBA, and he’s not afraid to exert his influence to have the team sold  to some assholes from Seattle.

That is, unless you make Johnson the starting point guard for the Kings this upcoming season. He wants to make a comeback, and he’s looking to YOU to make it happen.

You just shelled out $3 billion to inexplicably buy this team. You don’t want to get forced out already. You can start him or you can handle this by darker means.

What do you do?

New Orleans

To your chagrin, Anthony Davis got his hands on a DVD boxset of the HBO classic series Treme (from David Simon of The Wire fame). He got really into it, and he watched it all over again with the rest of the team. Now every player on your team has decided to quit basketball to either start a Jazz band or open an authentic Cajun restaurant. That is, every player except Austin Rivers and Eric Gordon. They stayed, and they are super committed to the team.

What do you do?

Denver

An evil force lurks in the mountains. It comes down every night at 7PM, the sound driving the entire city insane. It terrorizes fans. It eats children. It cheers for the Lakers and has really annoying opinions about Kobe Bryant.

The only people that seem unaffected by its nightmare screams is the entire Denver Nuggets organization. The screeches don’t bother the players, in fact, they play better when the monster comes into town. All of the moves you make since the creature began its rampage of terrors have been absolutely brilliant.

As the only ones who are unaffected, you are also the only ones that could stop this monster. However, it also gives you the greatest home court advantage ever. The other team curls up on the court and whimpers at the sound of those cries of insanity emitted from that terrible monster. You could defeat the monster or you could ride out the home court advantage to a title.

What do you do?

Minnesota

You’ve been tricked. We’ve all been tricked, really, but you’ve been tricked especially. Anthony Bennett? Andrew Wiggins? We missed the true Red Scare. The Soviet Union was nothing. The real enemy was up North — CANADA!

You accidentally uncover the truth about your prized youngsters from Canada. They were spies all along. The Canadian government raised an army of Canadian super spies to infiltrate the United States through NBA basketball. They move around from major city to major city, stealing top secret government information. They report the information back to Canada when they play the Toronto Raptors. It was almost too perfect of a plan. Hell, the United States capital has an NBA city! What were we thinking?

Here’s the problem, these super spies were trained really well. You can see them becoming stars and superstars in the NBA. Every off-season, Canada gives them more highly experimental genetic modifications to become even better at basketball.

What do you do?

Phoenix

You saw the future of the world in a peyote vision quest in the desert. Your spirit animal — one of the Morris twins with the body of a coyote — told you everything you need to know. The Suns are going to win the 2014-15 NBA Championship! But doing so will have a butterfly effect that leads to the end of the entire Universe within four years.

You can live in the moment and become the greatest underdog title champs ever or you can sabotage your own team and save the known Universe, but nobody will ever know.

What do you do?

Dallas

You wake up one morning, and there is a box with a button on it in your living room. If you press the button, you will win a championship. Dirk will have one of the greatest seasons of all time! It’ll be awesome, but the Lakers will win a championship the very next year. If you press it again two years from now, you’ll win another championship. Another all-timer Dirk season. The Lakers will win the next two. You press it again after that, you win again! Dirk is awesome again no matter his age! The Lakers win three in a row.

It goes on like that forever. You get one, and the Lakers get a whole lot more.

What do you do?

Memphis

Zach Randolph brought you into his lucrative marijuana business, which was pretty nice of him. Or was it? Turns out, Z-Bo has been a federal agent all along, and he’s about to bust you. There’s only two things he loves: 1. Basketball. 2. Busting bad guys. He’s three hundred pounds of loving to fuck bad guys up.

You’re high as fuck from the line of meth you just snorted as your ritual before every game. You know your hands get shaky, jittery when you’re this fucked up, but there’s a gun in your top desk drawer. Randolph is coming around the desk to arrest you. You have time to grab the gun out of your desk and take one or two quick shots.

What do you do?

Golden State

You are the GM of a team in a city full of contrarian assholes who think they are smarter and more cultured than everyone else. They’re the kind of people who talk down to people and then act like YOU’RE the dick when you call them on it. They look for reasons to get offended so they can feel like they are better than everyone else.

You wake up in your basement. Four days have passed since the last moment you can remember. A device is in front of you. You just know it causes pure death of adult San Franciscans. The very people you and everyone else in the world all hate.

What do you do?

Portland

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein come over to your house and want to be your best friend. You will get to be on their TV show and meet all of their music and comedy friends! You’ll be adopted into their lifestyle. You guys will have so much fun, and don’t worry! They’ll support you financially!

The only thing is… they made a secret pact when they were both 12 to never be friends with the GM of a sports franchise. You can either be their friend or be the GM of the Trailblazers, who, let’s face it, will never win a title because Lamarcus Aldridge has already peaked and Lillard is overrated.

What do you do?

Houston

You are the GM of Houston, so you have to live in Houston.

What do you do?

L.A. Clippers

You found an amulet in the basement of your 1890 Victorian mansion. It will grant you any wish you could ever want, but it requires a sacrifice depending on the size of the wish. Rodents for the smallest wishes — things that could only minimally help your franchise. Household pets for wishes bigger than that — good health all year, better reaching the potential of the players you already have. Humans for the biggest of wishes — forcing outrageous trades in your favor, all the free agent signings, sex with movie stars.

What do you do?

Oklahoma City

All the events in the movie Thunderstruck actually happen. You can either hope to find the kid who is now lighting it up in high school and getting laid on the regular and force him to reverse the ball curse that made Durant lose his magical basketball powers OR you can trade Durant now before his lowering trade stock dips even lower.

What do you do?

San Antonio

You find out Pop is a serial killer. Came completely out of nowhere, I know. If you found out, others may find out eventually as well, but it’s not like Tim Duncan and Tony Parker are going to be this good forever. Championship windows, ya know.

What do you do?

Bosley to Partner with LeBron James Family Foundation

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Bosley will partner with the LeBron James Hair Foundation, the hair restoration specialist company announced on October 30, 14.

The multi-year partnership will go beyond simply providing free hair restoration procedures to less fortunate balding men and women of North East Ohio.

“As a balding man myself, I understand the struggle. Waking up in the morning and seeing hair scattered about my pillow and on the floor of the shower is something that nobody ever wants to experience,” stated the release. “I am fortunate to be blessed with the talent that God gave me to make the lives of countless people who would otherwise not be able to afford hair restoration surgery.”

As a part of the partnership, Bosley will host the foundation’s “Hair Because King James Cares” program. Mr. James will personally pay for the restoration of 300 local folically-challenged men and women.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have formed this partnership with LeBron and his foundation,” said CEO Armen Markarian. “We are aware that the cost of our services are not always within the budget of people who need them the most. Mr. James understands the pain of losing hair is and has taken it upon himself to make the dream of having a full head of hair a reality again.”

“The foundation is extremely excited about this new partnership because it is going to bring happiness to so many people of the area,” said Janelle Hawthorn, executive director of the LeBron James Hair Foundation. “Hair loss is an issue that medical science has routinely neglected. Thankfully there are companies like Bosley that do incredible work to improve the lives of people. But their service is not always affordable. We are excited to bring it to the people of North East Ohio.”

2014-2015 All-NBA Hot Team

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Here at I GO HARD NOW, we like our NBA players like we like our coffee — hot. It’s not that we don’t like iced coffee. It’s just that we really only want it during the summer. We’re down for a hot cup of coffee any time.

So it goes with these NBA players, too. We don’t care what time of year it is, we can enjoy a hot NBA player any time. During the season. During the off-season. In between games. It doesn’t matter. An ugly good player is only helpful when on the court. A hot player? Well, that’s a drink we can have any time.

Here’s the 2014-2015 All-NBA Hot Team (first team honors):

PG – Ricky Rubio

RubioRubio has playful, boyish good looks that may initially come off as more “cute” than “hot.” His body, though, is all sex. Rubio has added just enough muscle over the years that you can imagine him pinning you down and really taking charge. Yet he hasn’t bulked up so much that it becomes off-putting for his natural body type. His European sense of style ties together his cut bod and pretty face to create a package anyone would want to open.

SG – Dion Waiters

dionwaitersWaiters is a mix of teddy bear and bad boy. He looks simultaneously cuddly and dangerous, making us afraid to love him but also afraid not to love him. He’s a paradox. He isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, sounding off on Twitter with his boisterously sexy thoughts. He allegedly but probably not really accused Kyrie Irving and Tristan Thompson of playing “buddy ball” before punching Irving in the face. That didn’t at all happen, but he’s so bad it feels like it could have.

Then there’s that other side of Waiters. The side that loves his kid more than anything in the world. I don’t need to tell you that a bad boy who loves his kid is crazy hot. There’s nothing in this world hotter than parental responsibility, and Waiters has that in spades. Just don’t expect him to sacrifice who he is just because he’s a caring and thoughtful father.

Waiters is going to be Waiters until the end of time. You won’t change him, but why would you want to change him?

SF – Chandler Parsons

ChandlerParsonsHe’s a model. I don’t mean figuratively. He is literally a model. He is paid to be good looking on a professional level. People whose job it is to find good looking people to pay to be good looking saw Parsons and said, “That guy is good looking. I’m going to pay that guy to be good looking.” He is gorgeous and he is cut and there was no way he wasn’t going to make the All-NBA Hot Team.

PF – Serge Ibaka

IbakaMore than anyone on this Team, Ibaka has the body of a God. He is the genetic pinnacle of athleticism. He is ripped. He is lean. He looks like a superhero. It doesn’t seem fair one person should have so many genetic gifts, but he has one more: the league’s best smile. His face would be handsome anyway, but his smile takes it to a whole other level. If the United States government started a program for creating the perfect future people, they would use Ibaka’s DNA. It’s total bullshit Ibaka gets to be so strong, so graceful and so beautiful when most of the world consists of ugly sewer people.

C – Demarcus Cousins

cousinsThis Team clearly needed some attitude. Sure we have Waiters, but he’s only a partial bad boy. Cousins? Now he’s ALL bad boy! He has wild looks you just want to tame but can’t. You know there is something dark lurking below those soulful eyes, but you don’t care. Sure, he’s going to hurt you. Sure, it will all end badly. Sure, you’ll probably go to prison, coping for a murder he convinced you to commit on his behalf. But look at that face. Don’t you want to try to tame the owner of that face? The staff of IGHN sure does, and we don’t care if it hurts us in the end. We can be the ones to change him this time. You just don’t understand our love!

Know Your Enemy

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Every calendar year my sports fandom whims follow the same pattern.

As spring finally breaks the winter doldrums, my interest in baseball reaches a fever pitch. I never give a shit more about baseball than I do through Spring Training and the first two months of the season. But as summer goes on, my interest wanes. All I can think about is football.

Like any good Clevelander, football is life. I can’t ignore the Browns, no matter how unrelentingly shitty they are. Not only the Browns, but the NFL as a whole – it’s such a fantastic sport that my Sundays, Monday nights and Thursdays nights are dominated by attention to professional football.

But where I differ from the majority of Clevelanders. When the NBA tips off my interest in all other sports falls off. Sure I’ll watch the Browns every Sunday, but fuck you NFL; you don’t own me once basketball season starts.

I devour the NBA. I can’t get enough of anything professional basketball. I have my favorite sites and writers I visit on a daily basis. My personal life suffers because I stay up way too late on weeknights watching west coast games and probably too many weekend nights catching League Pass.

Most of all I’m a Cavs fan. I’m so excited that not only LeBron James came back home to play in Cleveland again, but he’s joined by Kevin Fucking Love. Not even to mention that Kyrie Irving is still here. Fuck. It makes me giddy. Those last four lean years of completely unwatchable basketball, I saw shit that I can never unsee. It was terrible. But it’s all worth it because I get to experience these moments of excitement again.

But you know what? Over those four long season of unspeakably terrible basketball, I never said “I wish there was less of this”. You know why? I love basketball.

Let me plainly state this: People who advocate the shortening of the NBA season or the time of games are not basketball fans. Do not engage them as basketball fans. They are traitors. Wolves in sheeps’ clothes. They are the enemy. What you do to the enemy is destroy them at any cost.

I love professional basketball and there is no possible way the games and/or season are too long. I enjoy it too much.

And NBA, I hope you are listening – as a consumer of your product, for which I have a deep love and respect for, do not take this away from me. I want to continue giving you my money to enjoy the same volume of your product I currently have today (OR POTENTIALLY MORE IF YOU WILL GIVE IT TO ME).

This is like Coca-Cola saying “look, we know we have the most popular soft drink in the world… and we know the general public will pay us their hard earned money for this product… but look, we are going to make less of it every year and put less in every can”. GET THE FUCK OUT. People would lose their shit.

Remember what happened with Maker’s Mark? People went ape shit when the company tried to fuck with their product.

Now you have “fans”/bloggers/general NBA media advocating and egging on the league to “improve” their product by reducing the number/length of games. This is not how a consumer of a superior product is supposed to act. You want more, not less, idiot.

And stop trotting out carefully selected facts about how the quality of the product is better with less games. Yeah, I’ve seen the stat about how there’s less scoring from teams in the second night of a back to back. And I’ve see how more games in more nights equals less points. But frankly I don’t care. In the moment, I don’t see an appreciable difference. You are still watching the best athletes on the planet do awesome shit. We need more LeBron James in our lives, not less. Three to four nights a week already isn’t good enough for me.

I know you’re reading this blog post because you’re an NBA fan. So from one fan to another: don’t listen to these people advocating for less NBA in our lives. It’s dumb. The league wants to provide less product and find ways to make the same amount of money or more. Players want to make the same amount of money for less work. While I don’t necessarily blame either party for wanting to advance their agenda, fuck any fan/writer/blogger who advances it for them.

There’s a “smart” movement afoot in online community that is trying to figure out creative ways to solve the league’s perceived problems. Some are noble and helpful (like trying to figure out a way to stop the crazy timeouts/fouling at the end of games), while others have good intentions but are misguided (I’m looking at you, anti-tanking crowd… we’ll get to you another day).

However people who think “too much basketball” is a problem to be solved are just wrong-minded people with too much time on their hands. These people are not smart – they are stupid. Treat them as such.

BASKETBALL PARTY FOR THE THREE!!

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morrisonWelcome back for BASKETBALL PARTY episode 3, the premiere NBA podcast featuring two adult women talking to one another. Things got a little rough via Skype this time, so look out for the second half where we occasionally sound like robots, and for when it seems like Rahzel is our special guest. Hang in there, though, technical difficulties will eventually be resolved.

This episode we take on the opening night ring ceremony featuring Pop’s beard, Dwight Howard as the worst guy who contacts you on OKCupid, the celebrity parade in Cleveland this week featuring contributions from the Kool-Aid Man Mike, and the power of naps when it comes to decision making, among other hot takes.

If you want to watch a time-lapse video of Clippers to Lakers and add in your soundtrack to French Montana’s “Pop That” – go crazy!

Erin M. Routson is an art director & freelance writer living in Brooklyn, NY. Her tenets for emotionality include DMX’s intro in the video for Aaliyah’s “I Miss You.” Follow her running commentary on Twitter @dietcokeforever.

Kim Huston is a copywriter based in Louisville, KY. She learned it’s okay to cry from Adam Morrison and she will never lose that intensity. You can try to follow her on Twitter @kimpossiblydire.

 

We’re Back

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I'm Back

It’s a time like no other: the annual celebration of the tipoff the NBA season. This year the NBA Gods bestow on us an opening night matchup like no other – the Orlando Magic travel to play the New Orleans Pelicans, in the vaunted Whatever The New Orleans Arena Is Called Center.

Seriously, what the fuck NBA? Your league has never been hotter, the offseason arguably holds fans’ attention more than another sport and you have the internet going nuts… and this is what you give us? Even the “real” national TV kickoff game is the Spurs and Mavs on TNT. Sure, the Spurs are real, but this is the best you can do? Is there a “Sprite Presents the Start to the Season Concert: Featuring Jay Z” or some shit like that? Couldn’t we get this on ABC?

I just want to know why the fuck the NBA is the hottest, fastest-growing sport, but some shit feels so minor league? I want to celebrate your sport, NBA… and all you give me is some half ass Tuesday night matchups like it’s the middle of January. Fuck you.

Whatever, who gives a fuck about Opening Night? The real news isn’t that the NBA is starting *yawn* again. I know, seriously. It’s been a year, but we’re back. You see that bitching above?  THAT’S THE QUALITY CONTENT THAT YOU WILL GET FROM US ON A BASIS YET TO BE DETERMINED!

To dispel some things, I’d like to go into the myths and realities of why we came back.

  • We didn’t start the blog back up because LeBron came back to Cleveland. Fuck all that noise. We love basketball and have continued to ride with our respective teams (most of us are Cavs fans) all the way through the LeBron in Miami Dark Period. We also existed three of Lebron’s four seasons in Miami, so we’re not some dick riders. It’s cool, but it’s not the reason.
  • We got tired of reading other people’s shitty blogs. Let’s face it – the internet is softer than it was a year ago. We had to come back and bring that heat.
  • The internet has lost its damn mind. Between the anti-tanking talk and the shortening the season, we just want to be a sane counterpoint. We’re all collectively really dumb, but we promise we are smarter than the unwashed horde of “Basketball Twitter”.
  • We were bored. Sure, me and a few others from IGHN have been doing some music blogging, and the rest of people on the site have successful careers/lives (I guess). But we just wanted to go back to doing a few weird things here or there. We don’t take this seriously and don’t expect you to either.

There it is. We’re back. We’re doing a bunch of hot shit this year, including a celebration of everyone’s favorite Cav (NOT LEBRON) and TWO weekly (if we’re not too lazy) podcasts.

It should be awesome. Tell the blog you are currently reading to fuck off, follow us on Twitter and read us whenever we post something… or don’t. We don’t really care.

I GO HARD NOW Weekly All-Star Bonanza Featuring the I GO HARD NOW Ballers Episode 1

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ighnradio22

 

Episode 1: Cleveland Talk, Blogger Credentials and a Whole Lot of NBA

On this episode of the Weekly All-Star Bonanza, Mike and Triz sit down with Cavs Zine  creator and editor Cleveland Jackson to talk some NBA. We discuss how much Chris Grant sucked. Triz talks about the time he saw James Dolan’s terrible blues band. We argue if the HEAT will be good or not.

The topic of the week is whether bloggers deserve press credentials in NBA games or not.

…this episode may be incredibly long.

Come for a whole lot of fun, and subscribe to the podcast through iTunes or Stitcher.

BASKETBALL PARTY RAGES ON!

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BASKETBALL PARTY!BASKETBALL PARTY comes back for week two of its lady-led podcast reign over NBA conversation. Kim Huston and Erin M. Routson discuss Blake Griffin’s essay about Donald Sterling, who would make the best NBA emojis, shorty game and its implications on the length of the season, and the career-ending Drake airball as well plenty of shoutouts. WELCOME BACK TO BASKETBALL PARTY!

FOUR! MORE! DAYS!

Erin M. Routson is an art director & freelance writer living in Brooklyn, NY. Her Halloween costume is the corn emoji. Follow her running commentary on Twitter @dietcokeforever.

Kim Huston is a copywriter based in Louisville, KY. She once dressed as Ben Wallace for Halloween. You can attempt to follow her on Twitter @kimpossiblydire.

GIVE ME A BASKETBALL PARTY!

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GIVE ME A BASKETBALL PARTY

At long last, a weekly podcast comprised entirely of two adult women talking about pro basketball is upon us – welcome to BASKETBALL PARTY. Kim Huston and Erin M. Routson are kicking off the 2014-15 NBA season, as well as their rookie podcast season, with a preview episode dedicated to the shorty game, what we’re most excited about (GO CAVS!) as well as some in-depth discussion of Kid Rock, Stan Van Gundy’s halloween costume/coaching crossover opportunities and the best NBA ad to ever air on television.

Erin M. Routson is an art director & freelance writer in Brooklyn, NY who still owns a Delonte West Cavs jersey. Follow her running commentary on everything on Twitter @dietcokeforever.

Kim Huston is a copywriter based in Louisville, KY. She’ll write about anything if you pay her. You can attempt to follow her on Twitter @kimpossiblydire.