I GO HARD NOW WEEKLY ALL-STAR BONANZA FEATURING THE I GO HARD NOW BALLERS – EPISODE 14

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Episode 14 – Theories Abound

A STRONG episode with the crew getting back together (Mike, Demetri and JP).  The last 30 minutes or so get interested when we share some theories.  You should check it out or we’ll kill your family.

Westbrook’s Historic Season is Out of this World

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I was standing in a field of grain fifty miles outside Oklahoma City’s corporate limits. My car was stuck in a ditch off the road where I crashed it. I was sober. Lights surrounded me overhead.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

I used to laugh at how stupid the premise of “Space Jam” is. I get a bunch of come to life cartoon characters playing basketball. That seems like just the kind of crazy antics a bunch of cartoon animals would love. But aliens from outer space? That never felt believable to me. Wouldn’t a creature with a completely different physiology than humans be interested in their own sports designed for their own bodies and their own gravity? It always felt far fetched.

Besides, I am skeptical about aliens visiting Earth anyway. I believe in aliens. It seems mathematically impossible with an infinite or near-infinite Universe  that other life wouldn’t exist. Even other life more technologically advanced than we are. I believe in all of that, but the same gigantic Universe that makes me believe in alien life also makes me believe it would be close to impossible to find our one tiny planet in the vastness of all of existence.

That’s why I discounted reports of strange happenings around Oklahoma City since the Thunder moved from Seattle to their new location in the prairie land. You hear about odd light formation and impossible paradoxes in the sky, and you ask where the photographs are. You ask about videos. Even a drunken farmer has a smart phone these days.

You ask about evidence in a world where we can document anything about our lives and post it on the Internet in half a second. When you find out there is no evidence, you discount it immediately. Like I did. Like you are probably doing right now.

And when these drunken farmers and random rural shut-ins say they tried to record what they saw, but it inexplicably wouldn’t record, you say, “Of course.”

Reports of animals turned inside out are easily explained. Wild animals. Teenage pranks. Satanic cults. There are answers everywhere you look as long as you don’t really look.

I don’t blame you for not thinking twice about these strange occurrences or any of the others I could list if I really wanted to get offtrack. I was the same as you, and for good reason. This all sounds absolutely absurd.

That was before I received the below picture in the mail. It had a note on the back that simply said, “Meet me at that return address.” Checking on Google Maps, the address was for an apartment building in downtown Oklahoma City.

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Obviously, I was intrigued. I thought the photograph was probably a Photoshop job by an extremely deft hand. The mystery of it all was undeniable, though, and I’m a sucker for mystery. I figured I would have a fun story about some guy trying to frame Russell Westbrook as being an extraterrestrial.

To my surprise, a high school acquaintance of mine occupied the apartment. He had been one of the smartest kids in my graduating class. He was always interested in sports, so we would talk about basketball before and after classes sometimes. I have a hard time calling him a friend because we never hung out after school or anything, but we were friendly.

The defining characteristic I remember about him was he always had it together. He was the least likely to party. Most likely to make something out of his life. No temper that I could remember. An even-keeled guy with a bright future.

The person who opened the door was someone different entirely. Twelve years can change a person, I know, but I didn’t recognize this person until he saw my confusion and told me his name.

“You were the only one to come,” he said. “I sent that picture out to everyone I could think of.”

The walls of his apartment were covered in candid pictures of Westbrook. Pictures that mirror the one I posted above. His counters were covered in empty Ritalin bottles and loose pills that I suspect used to fill those empty bottles.

He walked around his apartment, explaining how and where and why he took each picture. Grabbing pills off the counters and chewing them like candy.

“What’s with the pills?” I asked him.

“I’m not normally like this,” he said. “But I don’t think I have a lot of time. I’m on a deadline of sorts.”

I asked him to explain what he meant, but he wouldn’t.

“Level with me,” I said. “These pictures are all faked, right? This is a hoax?”

“If only,” he said. “You see, I have it all figured out. Presti has assembled a team of aliens. Well, mostly aliens. He’s made some kind of deal with them. I don’t know what they get in return, but he gets these aliens disguised as humans. They’re supposed to only use their alien technology a little bit, but…”

“But what?”

“But Westbrook has gone rogue. First he started using their technology to destroy people on the basketball court. Now he’s getting bolder. More unpredictable. Presti and the team can’t contain him anymore.”

He slipped another pill into his mouth.

“You don’t believe me,” he said.

“It’s a little far fetched,” I said.

“I know the whole thing sounds crazy. Come with me tonight, and you’ll see.”

“Where are you going tonight?”

“On a stakeout,” he said.

We waited in his car outside the arena. We listened to the game on the radio. Westbrook ripped apart the Timberwolves. My acquaintance munched on his pills that he scooped from a sandwich bag.  He held the bag out to me.

“Want some?” he asked.

I kind of did. But he was high as hell, and one of us had to stay sober. I was starting to wonder if the pills were really just Ritalin anyway.

He began to talk about things he saw. Lights that spun in the sky like a never ending staircase. Displays of bastardization of gravity that would make Westbrook’s in game dunks look as impressive as a toddler’s first wobbling steps.

“The feeling I get from the team through my sources is they are afraid he’s going to do something in game that is inexplicable through our understanding of science,” he said. “And I’ve seen things that tell me they’re right.”

“You have sources?” I said.

“I’m not a total nut job.”

We followed Westbrook’s car out beyond the suburbs. He parked on the far side of a corn field. This was miles from where I began my story. Miles from where this story ends.

He ripped his own face from his head. It was an elaborate mask. He revealed his true, nightmare form to the night. A creature that must have had a similar evolutionary path to us humans, but not quite the same. You’ve seen the picture. You know what inescapable nightmares will come to you in your sleep now.

He pulled wooden boards out of his car. He dragged them into the stalks that swayed in the Oklahoma night. We followed behind him at a distance. Peering at him through the corn. He began placing the boards down on top of the crops.

“What is he doing?” I asked.

“Just watch,” my acquaintance said.

“Why is there corn here? Is this normal? It’s winter.”

“Now you’re getting why this is so fucked up,” he said.

“This isn’t safe.”

“I have a plan.”

He lifted his shirt just enough to show me the handgun he had tucked into the waistline of his pants. He let the shirt back down to cover it again.

Westbrook made impossible symbols in the corn. Perfect circles and lines. Their perfection so unmistakable, we didn’t need to see them from above.

We crept closer to Westbook, the beauty of his work transfixing us. Lulled into a siren trance. Pulled along by sight rather than sound.

We found ourselves in the middle of a circle. Unsure of how we got there. Westbrook standing in front of us, smirking.

“I think we’re caught,” I said.

I pulled the handgun from my acquaintance’s waistline. I held the gun up at Westbrook. My finger shaking on the trigger. Westbrook laughed and stepped closer.

I shot at him point blank. The bullet swung around his body like a planet caught in the rotation of some great star. Stuck in orbit instead of going straight into him.

“Don’t you realize Patrick Beverley is the only thing that can harm me?” Westbrook said.

I shot my acquaintance in the leg and pushed him towards Westbrook. I heard them rustling in the crop circle behind me. I darted through the stalks that reached up to the sky like hands grasping at the heavens.

The car was still running. The doors still unlocked. I jumped into the driver’s seat and burst out onto the road in the vast emptiness of the Oklahoma countryside. I sped towards the big city when marvelous lights caught in all my mirrors.

Hovering above where Westbrook made his strange symbols, a spacecraft with impossible lights had appeared. Spinning in place like a top where all its parts appeared to move in separate directions.

I stopped the car. I moved it into reverse. I plunged forward and followed the lights as the craft moved above the fields.

It appeared to move slowly, but the car was pushing 80. Then 90. 100. Faster. Ever faster.

The spacecraft was hard to predict. It moved in new directions without any warning. Weaving one direction then the other while keeping its effortless speed. I realized where Westbrook learned all his best moves.

I took a turn too quickly and the car flew into a ditch separating the field of grain from the road. I got out of the car. The craft was in the middle of the field. Seemingly waiting for me.

I followed the lights.

My acquaintance was spread out under the lights in the middle of the field. His pants had a hole in them where I shot him. Blood surrounded the hole, but there was no wound. He was sleeping peacefully below the spectacle hovering above us.

Westbrook was kneeling beside him. I couldn’t remember if he was there all along or had materialized while I was looking at the wound. His smirk was still ever-present.

“You fixed him,” I said.

“We aren’t monsters,” Westbrook said.

He stepped forward, and I took my gun out to shoot my acquaintance again as a distraction.

“There’s no need for that,” Westbrook said. “The only place I want to destroy Earth humans is on the basketball court.”

“Sure,” I said. “That’s good enough for now, but what happens when it isn’t enough?”

“It’s not like you can stop me either way, so don’t worry about it.”

“I’m going to tell everyone.”

“Do that,” he said. “See who believes you.”

I dragged my acquaintance halfway back to his car. He woke up screaming and walked the rest of the way himself. We didn’t talk the entire walk back. We didn’t talk during the drive to my hotel. The GPS did the talking for me, telling him where to go. He parked the car in front of the entrance.

“You were right all along,” I said.

“No, I wasn’t,” he said.

He drove away before I could shut the door. It flapped open and shut  down the street until the car turned a corner and out of my view.

I can’t say if he doesn’t remember or refuses to speak up. I can’t say what happened to him in those minutes where we were separated. In those minutes where he was my sacrificial lamb.

It seems like I’m the only one left who is willing to tell the truth about Westbrook. He isn’t human. He isn’t the same as us. He isn’t the same as most of his NBA co-workers.

You probably don’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me either.

BASKETBALL PARTY FIFTEEN!

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BASKETBALL PARTY!

BASKETBALL PARTY episode FIFTEEN celebrates its quinceañera as the premier NBA podcast featuring two adult women talking to one another. This episode, we confront the behemoth and NBA palate cleanser that is March Madness, get into the treachery of being a female fan, and discuss how many manufactured storylines crop up right around now among some other sports-related tangents. Thanks for listening!

Erin M. Routson is an art director & freelance writer living in Brooklyn, NY. OOOOOH OOOOOOH OOOOOOH UC! Follow her running commentary on Twitter @dietcokeforever.

Kim Huston is a copywriter based in Louisville, KY. HOOSIERS! HOOSIERS! HOOSIERS! You can attempt to follow her on Twitter @kimpossiblydire.

I GO HARD NOW WEEKLY ALL-STAR BONANZA FEATURING THE I GO HARD NOW BALLERS – Episode 13

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Episode 13 – WE DID IT! WE TALK ABOUT BASKETBALL!

So Corbin and I finally get around to talking basketball in part 2 of our conversation.  If you want to hear all the bullshit that preceded it, go back and listen to last week’s episode.

BASKETBALL PARTY FOURTEEN!

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BASKETBALL PARTY!

BASKETBALL PARTY episode FOURTEEN is back after timeout as the premier NBA podcast featuring two adult women talking to one another. This episode, we get into what is up with Amar’e Stoudemire’s wardrobe choices, which NBA stars would be great in musicals, champion the return of Craig Sager and brainstorm an excellent set of ideas that involve NBA siblings and American Gladiators, among other relevant topics. This all sounds like total nonsense, but it really worked out pretty well. Thanks for listening!

Erin M. Routson is an art director & freelance writer living in Brooklyn, NY. She has searched for pieces of the AggroCrag on eBay before and probably will again. Follow her running commentary on Twitter @dietcokeforever.

Kim Huston is a copywriter based in Louisville, KY. She is unafraid of temple guards and would absolutely school Olmec. You can attempt to follow her on Twitter @kimpossiblydire.

 

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Pat Riley Likes to Quit

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“Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter…I was raised to give up.”Screen Shot 2015-03-12 at 8.31.53 PM

The text above is from the greatest TV character of all time, George Costanza. The reason I bring up that quote is because of Pat Riley’s comments to Ethan Skolnick of Bleacher Report during an exclusive interview. Pat Riley pretty much stays out of the spotlight these days, so having the opportunity to hear what he has to say about the NBA at this stage of his career is a big deal.

This is a man who has seen it all. He played on the 1966 University of Kentucky team that lost in the NCAA championship game to Texas Western, which was the first college team to start five black players. He was there for the Showtime Lakers, coined the term “threepeat,” was the architect of the bruising Knicks teams of the 90s and found himself in charge of the Miami Heat and three different championship runs.

I’d be legitimately interested in having someone pick his brain if he wasn’t so out of touch with reality.

In the interview, Riley said the following about LeBron James leaving Miami for Cleveland:

“’It would be like Magic and Kareem and [James] Worthy, they weren’t going to go anywhere,” Riley said. “They had come at a time when there were free agents. They weren’t going to go. You think Magic was going to leave Kareem? You think Kareem was going to leave Magic? You think Worthy was going to leave either one of those guys, or [Byron] Scott or [Michael] Cooper? No, they knew they had a chance to win every year. And this team had a chance every year. So that was shocking to me that it happened. Now, could we have done more? Could they have done more?’”

Pat Riley had his infamous “get a grip” press conference in June in which is did his best to challenge the best player in the world to not take the easy way and leave as soon as there was a fork in the road. In other words, probably the exact opposite message he delivered to LeBron James when he plopped his seven championships on a table in front of him and showed him how much greener the grass was on the other side.

It’s difficult to argue that Riley wasn’t being hypocritical in that press conference. The grass was indeed greener on the other side in 2010 and it appears that it was in 2014. Pat Riley would rather blame James’ former teammates for his departure or insinuate that the only reason James left for Cleveland was because of a silly narrative than accept the fact that he left the Heat as an aging roster that lost the Finals in the most lopsided way ever. Getting there four years in a row is impressive, but lamenting on that is like Al Bundy ignoring the squalor in his own life by always talking about scoring four touchdowns in one game. At some point you have to look at the present and future and realize that you’re selling discount shoes in a mall.

Most impressive about Riley’s interview is how he insinuated that James quit on the Heat even though they were building something great. Pat Riley has an extensive history of quitting on teams the moment there is any adversity. After losing to the Suns in the 1990 playoffs, Riley quit on the Lakers. He fled to the Knicks and had success with the franchise until things got too difficult and he faxed his resignation to the team following a playoff loss to the Indiana Pacers. Pat Riley proceeded to make his way to the Miami Heat where he coached for 8 years. He stepped down after a 25-57 season and then weaseled his way back to be the coach when it looked like the Heat were a title contender. He coached for two years, won a championship and stepped down after a 15-67 season.

Pat Riley would have never left the Lakers or Knicks if he lived his life as he expects others to live theirs. This is a man who has routinely exhibited that he is willing to jump ship the moment he senses any sign of adversity. This is also a man who has won a lot of games, series and championships by convincing star players to give up on their old teams and join him.

Pat Riley shouldn’t be throwing stones in his glass mansion. Unlike Doug Collins on his recent BS Report appearance, he squandered his opportunity of showing the world that his extensive time around the game has given him insight and spent that time making a case that he is a bitter and hypocrite of a man.

I GO HARD NOW WEEKLY ALL-STAR BONANZA FEATURING THE I GO HARD NOW BALLERS – Episode 12

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Episode 12 – Where We Don’t Talk About Basketball… At All

Mike was joined this week by Corbin from a bunch of reputable and note-worthy sites and really bullshit… a lot. The conversation went on for two hours, so we made this a two parter (part two coming next week).  This first part has zero basketball talk.  So yeah, know that.

10 Super Random Numbers That Might Mean Something But Probably Don’t 3/3/15

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  • James Harden leads the league in field goals, with one more than Nikola Vucevic, yet is outscoring the second-leading scorer by 234 points. He has taken 160 more free-throw attempts than the next closest player (LeBron James)
  • DeAndre Jordan has 117 more rebounds than the second-place Andre Drummond who has 84 more rebounds than the third-place Pau Gasol
  • Rudy Gobert leads the league in Block% at 8.2% – Anthony Davis is second with 5.8%
  • Golden State leads the league in shots beyond half-court with 18
  • Memphis leads the league in makes from beyond half-court with 2
  • The Los Angeles Clippers lead the league in dunks with 294. The Pacers are in last place with 102
  • DeAndre Jordan makes up 65% of those dunks
  • Markieff Morris leads the league in flagrant fouls, technical, and ejections
  • The Clippers lead the league in technical with 73. The Spurs have 14
  • Dallas has a -201 Turnover Differential, Sacramento’s is +223

(Thanks to Basketball-Reference.com, ESPN.com, CBSSports.com for these stats)

I GO HARD NOW WEEKLY ALL-STAR BONANZA: FEATURING THE I GO HARD NOW BALLERS – Episode 11

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Episode 11 – Old Friends

This week Mike gets together with IGHN Vet Lee and Amin (of Hardwood Paroxysm and Bullets Forever) to talk about the trade deadline, the Wizards and how getting wings with JR Smith would be fucking awesome.

How I Got Over Kendrick Perkins Stupid Face

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I’d never really liked Kendrick Perkins. He always rubbed me the wrong way. Moping around on the court, making dumb faces. And that little triangle goatee thing he had for awhile was so gross.

Dumb Perk Faces
Why the disdain?

He’s never had an above average PER in the league, and has been below 10 since 2010-2011. He’s a whiner. He’s never even sniffed hitting 70% of his free throws. He headbutted Tyreke Evans. He hasn’t shot over 50% from the field since the 2011-2012 season. He is sometimes called “Perk”…I don’t know if I actually hate this or not, but it’s a silly name for a guy who tends to look a bit under rested.

And remember that time he got upset when LeBron tweeted about Blake Griffin dunking all over Perkins’ sulky face? I mean, how are LeBron and Kendrick ever going to make amends after such a scandal? I guess maybe Love can give him some help with getting over it.

Now that Perkins has signed with Cleveland (hey Perk, thanks for the heads up a few days ago on your Twitter), I’ve found myself forced to try to like a guy that I’ve spent so many years disliking. When Perkins broke the news he was signing with Cleveland, I had to face it… Perkins coming to the Cavs after his buyout with the Jazz is what it is — a great addition to the Cavs big man rotation. Perkins will probably never be getting much over 20 minutes a game with the Cavs, and if he does, it will be because of an injury or absolute blowout. If the Cavs had Mozgov go down at this point in the season without Perk, they’d be forced to rely on Brendan Haywood after moving Thompson to the starting line up. I’d say Perkins is quite a nice upgrade to that possibility.

In further searching my soul for reasons not to [sports] hate Perkins, I remembered this story I had read a few years ago about how Perk befriended two Bostonian blogging half-bros that ended up in his post-2008 Finals family photo. Shit, Kendrick actually has a heart and seems pretty cool.

And then I remembered that time he got traded from the Celtics. He was seriously sad about leaving Boston and his teammates. And I can appreciate a player who legit feels the feels.Sad Perkins :(

And apparently one of his nicknames is “Swamp Thang”. That’s um…Cool?

It turns out maybe I need to stop being such an asshole and saying players have stupid faces, especially when they probably aren’t even as big of an asshole as I am.

Welcome to Cleveland, Perk. Maybe I’m the one with a stupid face after all.